


We're looking at the stars

by Cirkne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, Future Fic, M/M, and Tadashi chooses not to have sex, but the fic itself doesnt, every single scene has it's own name, how do i title help me, if you're hoping for smut im gonna have to dissapoint you Kei is ace as hell, it's mentioned like three times so yeah, it's titled 'hella sad giv me yamatsukki fluff' in the word document, little bit of angst but mostly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 13:03:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2812967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi Tadashi and Tsukishima Kei, now in college, are still very much in love.</p><p>Or, as my wife Whimsi described it:</p><p>"its so<br/>quiet<br/>like its 5 million words about them talking and making pancakes and waking up together and sweet babes im"</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're looking at the stars

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is just basically me throwing my headcanons at you. 
> 
> Also I've been working at this for two months and it's my baby.
> 
>  
> 
> [Here on tumblr](http://tadaffodil.tumblr.com/post/105722294867/were-looking-at-the-stars)

Their relationship was never based on words, conversations limited by people around them and trying to admit their feelings came out in a stutter. It took years of practice, sentences left unfinished and gentle touches to try and let the other know but they finally learned to read between the lines and listen to silence.

That’s why Kei knows, as soon as Tadashi gets up from the dinner table and says he’ll get in the bathroom after him, that something is wrong. They have a routine of their own and Tadashi always gets into bed first. Waits for his boyfriend to slide in after, feet still cold from the water and he complains but never pulls away.

He takes longer than usual, too. Kei listens to the water run, wonders just how hot it is. When Tadashi gets out, his hair’s damp from the steam. On a normal day, Kei would tell him to blow dry it because otherwise it will be hard to deal with in the morning. Today, he opens the covers instead, pats the space next to him.

"You should have gone to sleep, Kei." Tadashi tells him, but the taller focuses on his name instead of the words. Two weeks after they started dating, Kei told him to stop using a nickname, said he’d like his name more. Now, after five years, they’re already used to it and he won’t admit that sometimes he misses ‘Tsukki’.

After Kei doesn’t answer, Tadashi goes to lay down next to him, but rather than getting into the position they usually sleep in, he buries his face in the taller’s chest. He holds onto Kei’s shirt, hands shaking and soon his body starts moving. It’s the kind of sobbing that doesn’t let you actually cry. Kei pulls him in closer, holds him as tight as he can, like protecting him from a wave that’s coming, hiding him from a storm.

Tadashi never talks when he’s crying, air leaves his lungs if he tries. Kei doesn’t need him to do it. He doesn’t need a reason or an explanation, just to know that he’s the safe place, that he can help.

Kei stays awake until his boyfriend falls asleep and a little after that, to run his hand up and down the shorter’s back, to make sure that nightmares don’t creep up on him like sadness always does.

In the morning, they get into the shower together because Kei wakes up before the alarm clock rings and they have more time than usual. He steps a little too close to Tadashi and turns on the hot water. Stays like that for a moment.

"Did you shampoo your hair yesterday?" Kei asks after awhile of just standing there.

Tadashi shakes his head, the taller finds the shampoo (uses his instead of Tadashi’s, wants his boyfriend to smell like him and it might be selfish but he doesn’t care) and gets it into Tadashi’s hair. The shorter leans into him, rests his head against Kei’s shoulder.

"Sorry about yesterday." he says, wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s waist.

"I don’t like it when you apologize." is Kei’s response; he left ‘shut up, Yamaguchi’ in their first year of high school.

"Remember the first time we shared a shower?" Tadashi asks. His voice is quieter than before, and it’s hard to hear over the running water but Kei learned to listen.

"That was the first time we had sex." Kei answers, thinks about how they still thought they wanted sex and smiles, remembering that they had to hide their moans because Tadashi’s mother was home.

"It was also the first time you said you loved me." Kei remembers that too. It was more of a sigh than anything else, muffled by Tadashi’s skin. At the time, he thought the other didn’t hear him.

Kei lifts Tadashi’s head to shampoo the hair that has fallen onto his face, leaves a trail of lather on his cheek and chin.

"Do you want me to say it again?" he asks, waits for Tadashi to look at him, his eyes still a little red from yesterday. "I love you."

"You don’t remember how we met." Tadashi says, more to himself than to anyone else. He always does that.

"You refuse to remind me." Kei tells him, continues shampooing the shorter’s hair. It frustrates him that he doesn’t know, that he can’t remember no matter how hard he tries.

"I’m afraid you’ll think I’m pathetic." Tadashi admits and Kei frowns. "I know you don’t like the word, Kei. I’m sorry." It was one of the things Kei learned to hate in their second year of high school, when Tadashi started drifting apart, leaving him to see everything he did wrong.

"Is that why you were sad yesterday?" he asks instead of telling him to stop apologizing, thinks it’s easier because Tadashi never listens anyway. The shorter shakes his head and looks down.

"Will you tell me the reason?" Kei asks, finishes with Tadashi’s hair and gets more shampoo to work on his own.

"Not now" is the answer and Tadashi rests his head against Kei’s shoulder again.

"Okay."

They finish showering in silence, stay there for a little more than needed, kiss with water pouring onto Kei’s back and Tadashi pressed to the wall, his fingers tangled in blond hair.

"I’ll make breakfast." Kei says and his boyfriend goes to get dressed.

He finds their cups and remembers what he was thinking about in the shower. Second year of high school was a hard time for their friendship, both of them had things to reevaluate and fears to overcome. Kei started to spend more time with his family, tried to open up. Tadashi worked on his insecurities and self esteem. Kei started learning to be nicer, Tadashi started seeing a therapist. They grew, changed, became better and it was needed but it also separated them for awhile.

When they found their way back to each other, they were different and there were a lot of things they had to learn anew. They started growing again, now together, with private conversations and smiles only for each other. The first kiss was a surprise to them both, the second came days later, they stopped counting after the third. Their relationship moved slow, the first ‘I love you’ came when they were already third years.

"You should go get dressed, Kei." Tadashi says and gets him back into reality. In their first year of college, Kei took a psychology class. It was a disaster to say the least but he learned that the more you use someone’s name, the more they will remember you. He often wondered if that was Tadashi’s reason, if he was afraid of being forgotten.

"Later." Kei answers and sits down in front of his breakfast, rests his chin on his hands and looks at the shorter. He’s wearing a sweater that belongs to Kei, the taller smiles at that, motions for his boyfriend to sit down.

"Hinata called yesterday." Tadashi says picking up his coffee mug, he blows on it and takes a sip only to put it back because it’s too hot.

"What did he want?" Kei starts eating, makes a mental note to put more milk in Tadashi’s coffee tomorrow.

"He’ll be in town in a couple of days and was wondering if we’d want to meet up."

"Hm." Kei nods, swallows his food before talking again, "What did you say?"

"That I don’t know yet. I doubt you’ll be let out of work just to meet a friend." Tadashi reaches for the salt, Kei pushes it in front of him.

"You could meet him on your own." he says and looks at the kitchen clock. It’s twenty past seven, so he hurries up finishing his breakfast and stands up while his boyfriend is still eating.

"It’s kind of lonely without you." The shorter answers, looks up at Kei, pouting.

"You’re an adult, Tadashi, you can do it." Kei answers and ruffles his boyfriend’s hair while walking past him to their bedroom.

"See, when you do that, I honestly don’t feel like one." Tadashi calls after him, Kei goes to get dressed instead of answering.

***

When four days later Kei gets home from work, just to change and hurry to his evening classes, he finds Tadashi and Hinata in the kitchen, laughing. Tadashi has his back to Kei and he tilts his head back for a kiss. Kei obeys, puts his hand on the nape of the shorter’s neck.

"If that’s how you greet everyone, Tsukki, I’ll pass." Hinata jokes, has a stupid grin on his face when his friends pull away to look at him.

"You wish," Kei snorts, reaches for a cookie that’s on the table, then adds "and don’t call me that."

"You let Yamaguchi call you that!" Hinata exclaims while the taller puts the cookie in his mouth.

"That’s because I love him." Kei answers after he swallows, lifts Tadashi’s coffee mug to his lips.

"You want to tell me you’re capable of love?" Hinata asks, hides his smirk with his own coffee. It still has the teaspoon in and it hits the smaller’s cheek, so he has to take it out.

"My emotions are harder to notice because they aren’t compressed in a body as small as yours." Kei says, puts the mug back on the table.

Hinata points his teaspoon at him and smiles. “Your insults haven’t gotten any better.”

"They’re better than yours." Kei says, rearranges the bag hanging on his shoulder. "Anyway, I need to change if I don’t want to be late."

"Do you have to go?" Hinata asks. "It’s not like I visit often and one day of lost education won’t do anything bad."

"I can’t believe you know smart words like education." Kei answers, dodges the cookie Shouyou throws at him and smirks.

"You should stay." Tadashi, who’s been silent for the whole time, says. Kei turns to see him pouting a little and smiles, kisses him again.

"If you don’t stop doing that, I’m leaving." Hinata tells them, Kei deepens the kiss just to piss him off. "How do you deal with him?" Shouyou asks, looking at Tadashi when they finally pull away.

"I quite enjoy him doing that." Tadashi answers honestly, fixes Kei’s shirt that’s half tucked into his jeans.

"We can go out to eat after I change." Kei tells them.

"Great!" Hinata exclaims. "I’m starving."

"Why didn’t you eat before getting here?" Kei asks, lifts his eyebrow in question.

"Because I knew my good friend Tsukishima would treat me." the shorter grins, showing all his teeth and Kei sighs, looks at Tadashi.

"Tadashi, hit him for me."

"Sorry, Kei," Tadashi starts, lifts his head to look at his boyfriend. "I don’t hit our friends."

"And I don’t hit people who look like children so we have a problem here." This time the cookie hits his chest and falls onto the floor. "You’re going to get crumbs everywhere." Kei sighs, turns to go get dressed.

"Serves you right!" Hinata calls after him.

Kei finds his clothes quickly, texts the girl in his literature class to ask if he could borrow her notes later this week. She replies with a yes and he thanks her, puts the phone on the table.

The room door opens as he’s taking off his shirt and Tadashi walks in, smiling.

"I should probably change too," he says when Kei fully turns to him. The taller nods instead of answering, continues dressing. When he’s done Tadashi has just taken off his shirt. He has freckles on his shoulders and it’s one of the things Kei always loved most about him. He pulls his boyfriend in closer, kisses his shoulder.

"Would it be awfully rude to kick Hinata out to make out with you?" he asks.

"It would." Tadashi answers, turns to face and kiss him. He tastes like coffee, Kei can’t get enough of it. Tadashi’s fingers are cold where he touches his boyfriend, lips soft and he’s smiling into the kiss. The shorter is standing on his tiptoes and Kei feels bad about making him do it, pulls him to the bed so they could sit down.

Hinata clears his throat from the door, Tadashi pulls away and turns a deep red, hides his face in Kei’s chest.

"Sorry." He mutters, Kei’s fingers still on his bare waist.

"I’m honestly starving." Hinata complains.

"You’ll live." Kei tells him and leaves the room, taking Hinata with him to let Tadashi get dressed.

"Ah, Tsukishima." Hinata starts when they get back to the kitchen. "Are you two coming to the reunion?"

Kei sits down where Tadashi was sitting, moves his almost empty coffee cup closer to himself and looks at the shorter.

"Reunion?" He asks confused.

"The club reunion." Shouyou says, sits down in his place and reaches for the last cookie on the plate. "That’s why I’m here." Then he pauses, looks at Kei. "Didn’t Yamaguchi tell you?"

"He probably did," Kei lies. "I just wasn’t listening."

"Oh, well are you two coming?" Hinata asks, finishing the cookie and standing up again.

"We don’t know yet" is the answer. Then, their bedroom door opens and Tadashi says they can go. Kei doesn’t know if Hinata gets the hint or just isn’t that interested in it but he doesn’t mention the reunion anymore and neither does Kei.

***

The next day is a Saturday and when he wakes up, Tadashi is already awake, doing something in the kitchen. The taller gets out of bed as soon as he opens his eyes, finds his glasses and walks to the kitchen to see Tadashi. He’s only wearing Kei’s socks and an over-sized hoodie apart from his boxers and it makes Kei smile. He walks over to the shorter as quietly as he can and leans down to rest his chin on the other’s shoulder, his arms sliding up under the hoodie.

"Your hands are cold." Tadashi complains but doesn’t pull away, keeps reading the pancake mix package.

"Hm." Kei presses him closer, wrapping his arms around Tadashi’s waist. "Good morning."

"I’m trying to decide if I should make pancakes for breakfast." He moves the package so Kei could read the recipe on the back of it. "What do you think?"

"Sounds good." Kei says, kisses his boyfriend’s shoulder through the hoodie and walks to the bathroom.

"If I burn something…" Tadashi says, a little louder so Kei could hear, and let’s it trail off.

"It’ll be my fault, I know." Kei calls back.

He leaves the door open while brushing his teeth and turns back to see Tadashi standing in there, leaning on the door that has their bathrobes hanging on it.

"You should get dressed." he says. Kei makes a show of looking down to Tadashi’s legs and then back up at his face. "I’m at least wearing something. You’re just in your underwear, Kei, that’s not the same."

Kei turns back to the sink to finish brushing his teeth and Tadashi goes to continue making pancakes.

"Why do you want me to get dressed anyway? It’s not like we have guests or anything," Kei says walking back to the kitchen after washing up. Tadashi already started baking the pancakes so he’s facing the stove, his back to his boyfriend.

"Just- never mind" Tadashi answers, flips over one of the pancakes. Kei goes to hug him again, kisses the top of his head.

"Tell me." he mutters when they both move so Tadashi could put the pancakes on a plate and get the rest of the batter.

"Seeing me naked doesn’t turn you on but it’s different for me, even if I don’t want to act on it." He explains and Kei kisses the top of his head again.

"I’ll go get dressed." Kei says and when he moves away, his boyfriend is blushing.

He puts on jeans and a shirt that already belongs to both of them even if Kei was the one that bought it. While Kei gets dressed, Tadashi finishes making pancakes and is getting jam out of the fridge when Kei comes back into the kitchen.

"Smells good." the taller compliments, sits down and moves his plate closer to himself.

"I burned a few." Tadashi admits, puts the jam jar on the table and sits down himself. There’s an eyelash stuck to his cheek. Kei moves to take it off and Tadashi leans into it.

"Eyelash." Kei explains and his boyfriend nods, then takes the jam to put it on his pancakes.

They eat in silence for awhile; Kei stands up to get juice out of the fridge and Tadashi motions, mouth full, that he wants some too. Kei waits until they both finish eating to kiss Tadashi and then asks him what he wanted.

"Why didn’t you tell me about the reunion?" the shorter’s eyes go wide before he looks down to his lap. "I’m not angry or anything, you don’t have to feel guilty, Tadashi." He moves to lift the other’s chin up. "I’m just curious."

"It’s in a couple of hours, we can still go if you want." Tadashi mutters avoiding his gaze.

"If you don’t want to go, we won’t go. I just thought we could talk about this kind of stuff." Kei moves his hand away from his boyfriend’s face and leans back in his chair, waits for the shorter to look at him.

Tadashi sighs, puts his arms on the table and rests his head on them but keeps his eyes on the wall.

"Hinata’s the only one we kept in touch with," he says after a while.

"So?"

"We kept in touch with him because he’s the only one that knows." He finally turns to look at Kei and sighs again. "If he hadn’t seen us kissing that day, we would have stopped talking to him too because it’s just too hard to hide. You almost never call your mom anymore and none of the people you work or study with know."

"I don’t-" Kei starts but stops when Tadashi stands up and walks closer to him, runs his fingers through blond hair.

"I don’t want to go there pretending I don’t love you but I also understand you don’t want people to know and I didn’t want to make you feel guilty." Kei presses his head to Tadashi’s chest and puts his arms around the shorter. He can hear the other’s heartbeat, almost soothing.

"I love you so much." Kei whispers and sighs. "We should go to the reunion." He looks up and Tadashi is looking down at him. "We should tell them. I want to tell them. I want to tell everyone, I’m just-"

"I know." Tadashi says, his voice soft and he kisses the top of Kei’s forehead, just where his hairline starts, his hand on Kei’s chin.

They stay like that for a moment and then Kei reaches for his phone that’s in his pocket to play a song because even years later, it’s still the easiest way to show emotions. Tadashi moves to go wash the dishes and Kei turns the song on loud enough so it could be heard through running water.

_Without you, I feel broke._  
Like I’m half of a whole.  
Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold.  
Without you, I feel torn.  
Like a sail in a storm.  
Without you, I’m just a sad song. 

"Such an old song, Kei." Tadashi says after they finish listening to it and it starts again.

"It’s not that old." Kei mutters, more to himself than to the other, then he stands up and walks over to his boyfriend. "It reminds me of you."

"I know." Tadashi says, sweet and soft, the corner of his lips curls into a smile and he turns off the water. Kei reaches for his hands, they’re wet and cold but he doesn’t mind, pulls the shorter to his arms.

"Do you remember the first time you kissed me?" Kei asks, wrapping his arms around Tadashi, pressing him closer to his chest "And I don’t mean our first kiss, because I’m still not sure about who kissed who then, but after we’d already started dating, do you remember it?"

"I think so." Tadashi whispers, his voice muffled by Kei’s shirt, the song playing almost louder than his words.

"You’d never kiss me first." Kei starts, a smile heard in his voice. "You’d wait until I asked if it was okay and even then you wouldn’t actually answer, you’d just lean in closer and nod as if saying it out loud would," he stops, tries to find the right words and then his boyfriend interrupts.

"As if words would spoil it." he says, still so quiet it’s hard to hear.

"Yeah," Kei mutters into the shorter’s hair "but I got sick of it after two weeks." He continues "And we were standing next to your house after I walked you home, the sun already starting to set." He smiles even though Tadashi can’t see him. "You were wearing my jacket because you’d always forget to bring yours and it wasn’t cold enough for you to have to wear it but I liked seeing you in my clothes."

"Get to the point, Kei." Tadashi interrupts again and he sounds embarrassed, flustered. Kei smiles wider and the song stops, he waits for it to start once more before he speaks again.

"I turned to walk away just after I said goodbye but you grabbed my shirt and before I could turn around, you said, really quietly and a little confused, you said my name, my actual name for the first time and it sounded so different from that nickname, so new that I wanted to kiss you even if it meant I would always be the one doing it so I turned back to you and was about to do it but," he tugs strands of Tadashi’s hair behind his ear and runs his thumb on the boy’s cheek, "you buried your face in my chest. I told you I want to kiss you, remember? You asked me what if someone sees and-"

"Oh, then what were you going to do just now?" Tadashi mimics his words from years back, his voice suddenly mean and snarky. It makes Kei want to apologize for what kind of person he was back then. Instead, he finishes the story.

"And then you kissed me, standing on your tiptoes, your hands on my shoulders. You apologized for not asking first as soon as we pulled away." When he stops, his voice sounds so sweet, he feels like it doesn’t belong to him.

"What’s the point of you telling me this?" Tadashi asks, pressing his face even closer to Kei’s chest which means he’s blushing and Kei thinks that’s reason enough. He focuses on the song before answering.

_Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide._

"That was when I finally realized I wanted to be with you for as long as I could." He breathes in, then moves so he would be able to look at Tadashi’s face, lifts his chin up and smiles. "I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

"Are you proposing, Kei?" Tadashi laughs and Kei kisses him. He doesn’t need to propose, not really. They both know this is it for them. Tadashi pulls away and sighs. "You’re bad for my heart."

"Is the reunion the reason you were sad that day?" Kei asks, presses Tadashi close to himself again. The mood changes in a second. Tadashi doesn’t answer for a while. He buries his face in Kei’s neck and breathes out, the air tingling the taller’s skin.

When he finally says something, it comes out weak and shaking:

"Why is loving you wrong, Kei?"

_It’s like we’re standing hand in hand with all our fears up on the edge._

"It’s not." He’s whispering now and all his thoughts are about not being able to hold Tadashi close enough. He wants to be the light getting through the dark corners, the flowers growing between the vines, he wants to-

Tadashi’s shaking, crying into Kei’s chest, his fingertips, still cold, pressed into Kei’s skin where his shirt ends.

"Shh" is all Kei can manage, one of his hands in Tadashi’s hair, the other on his back. "I love you." He wishes, more than anything right now, that that would be enough. "C’mon," he whispers, "let’s go to our room."

Tadashi pulls away but grabs onto the end of his shirt and follows him into the room. They leave Kei’s phone on the table, it’s still playing the same song.

It’s colder in their room than it is in the kitchen and Tadashi’s still not dressed so Kei gets him a blanket. Tadashi curls up under it, brings his arms and knees to his chest. He doesn’t move until Kei sits down and the shorter can rest his head on the other’s lap.

Kei leans forward to grab a book from the table and Tadashi flinches a little, curls into himself even more.

"I won’t touch you." Kei promises, as quiet and soft as he can. The extremely bad days are the toughest part of loving someone who was bullied, someone depressed. Seeing them flinch when you move too quickly, knowing that touching them will make it worse when all you want is to hold them until they’re fine. "Want to call your therapist?"

Tadashi shakes his head lightly and Kei opens the book, starts reading out loud. He wishes he could do more but this is all Tadashi ever asks for.

***

Kei’s doing college work when Tadashi walks into the kitchen, his hair a mess and the blanket wrapped around his body. Tadashi’s steps are slow and he’s still got his eyes half closed. Kei turns away from the laptop and holds out his arms for the shorter. Tadashi presses his head to Kei’s chest and lifts his legs on the chair, relaxes as soon as Kei’s arms are around him.

"Feeling better?" Kei asks softly.

"Hm." Tadashi lets out and curls up more into the blanket.

"Still sleepy?"

"Feel like I’ve been hit by a car."

"That’s what you get for sleeping through the day." Kei smiles. The laptop light dims and now it’s almost completely dark in the kitchen. "I called my mom today."

"You did?" Tadashi asks and he sounds happy even though his voice is barely louder than a whisper and he talks slow. Kei smiles and kisses the top of his head.

"Yeah. She said I have to come visit during winter break since Akiteru’s coming too." He turns his head to the side, wants to hold Tadashi’s hand but it’s still under the blanket. "You should come with me." He says, quietly. "We could tell her."

"Morning. Let’s talk about it in the morning." Tadashi says, then moves to press closer to Kei’s chest. "It’s too quiet here."

"You mean my heart?" Kei jokes. The laptop screen goes completely dark. "Wanna go back to the bedroom?"

"I won't be able to fall asleep" Tadashi says "But if you're tired I'll stay until you do." Kei feels like he's back in their third year of high school when they would stay up talking on the phone, whispered conversations filling the air or silence when only knowing Tadashi is on the other line was enough. Tadashi yawns and Kei thinks he wants to have this forever.

"Marry me" Kei whispers into Tadashi's hair and it smells like his shampoo again.

"Someday."


End file.
